Sunday, June 11, 2006

Sometimes I hate thinking of a title


I'm feeling emotions and having thoughts I've managed to avoid for a few weeks now. Sadness. Foolishness. Loss. Jealousy. Emptiness. Who knows why or how they have resurfaced, but here they are, along with some unwelcome tears.

I don't believe in fate or anything like that, so when I hear someone say that people come into our lives for a reason, I usually don't buy it. Sure, people come and go and sometimes we can learn from various aspects of each relationship and take what we've learned and use it to our advantage in other relationships or other parts of our lives. And often our time with one person is part of a chain of events that leads to something else. But I don't believe that anything is "planned" by some being or destined to happen.

However, just for kicks, I was entertaining this whole notion with regard to my recent ex. If what some people say is true and that everyone I've encountered in my life was there for a reason, then what was the reason for this relationship and breakup? It's honestly been one of the most painful experiences of my life, so what the hell was the purpose? Especially since she has moved on as if nothing happened and has a new life, new girlfriend, and everything's just dandy. I hate to sound selfish, but what the hell was in it for me? I'm the one left feeling like shit, so what was it all about?

Thanks to a surprisingly quick and repeatedly interrupted conversation with my sister and mom, I might have an answer. They reminded me that for years before this relationship, I had deliberately stayed away of anything that resembled an emotional connection with anyone and was perfectly content, in fact, I was bent on the idea of staying single for the rest of my life. But then this relationship started and slowly those walls crumbled. I enthusiastically let them crumble and I fell hard for this girl. And just when I understood how to feel certain emotions again and actually craved sharing my life with another person, she told me she didn't feel what I felt and then she ended the whole thing. So there I was, left with these feelings I'd unleashed for the first time in years and with the desire to have a life with someone, but the person who'd tapped into all that was gone.

So my question was, what the hell was in it for me?

Answer: the ability to love again and the desire to open my life to another person. She might be gone, but the capacity for those two wonderful concepts--which I lacked before her--are still here for me to keep forever, for me to own, to share when I meet the person worthy of them.

I still don't believe that she was "destined" to come into my life so I could reclaim the ability to love. But entertaining that whole concept, out of desperation to understand my life right now, made me realize that a couple good things did come from this whole emotional trainwreck. Having recognized the way my time with her changed me, I know beyond a doubt that there will eventually be a proper and deserving recipient of my feelings and that I will have better relationships in the future because of this recent heartbreak. In the meantime, I'm remembering all the truly good things about being on my own.

Yet somehow, despite this epiphany, I've had a slight, temporary emotional relapse tonight. Fortunately, this happens with far less frequency lately, and I am sure that the unpleasantness will eventually subside completely.

All that will remain at that point are my love and my life. And that's all I really want anyway.


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