Tuesday, January 16, 2007

unmedicated update

I had several days of being in a great mood, and I started to think I was going to get off easy, with no withdrawal side effects. What was I thinking?

Yesterday was not great, and today is shaping up to be pure shit, in terms of my mood. Work started out fabulously yesterday, until the district manager came in for a while, so I was paranoid about every single thing that went on during my shift while he was there--it was exhausting. When I got off work, I was tired to the point where I had a hard time staying awake while driving. That's partly because I had worked the opening shift, which entailed getting up at 4:15, and I hadn't been able to get to sleep until about 1am the night before. Once I got home, I took care of a few things and by 7 I was ready to pass out. I tried to do just that, but it was like i was too tired to sleep. There was also some anxiety mixed in there. For an hour and a half, I'd experience short bursts of sleep, followed by a jolting memory or worry from the day, which prevented me from really falling asleep. Eventually, I got tired of this battle, so I just got back out of bed and suddenly had tons of energy. Nervous energy, though. I replied to some emails that had been stacking up and then I tried to write. But I couldn't focus on one thing. I probably started three different pieces of writing last night within a couple hours time. As I told a friend, it wasn't writers block as much as writers ADD. And during it, I was physically shaky. Nervous, jittery, like I'd had way too much caffeine (which I hadn't). Finally around 1am,, I somehow managed to fall asleep and I stayed that way until 10 this morning.

But I'm crankier than hell today. I can't hold one single thought in my mind for more than about 10 seconds, and I want to pack up my car and start driving away from florida now, right this minute. Because when I'm cranky, dissatisfied, or anxious about anything, my instinct is to go away from it. The problem here, of course, is that I don't know exactly what is making me jittery, anxious, and cranky---other than the lack of meds in my system. How do I ignore this and convince my body to understand it's not really life, but rather a chemical change in my system and to just relax, ignore it, and be sure everything is ok?

But maybe I shouldn't relax and believe everything is ok. Maybe I've become too complacent since I moved here, and I need to feel this anxious drive to move on.


At January 18, 2007 11:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i know you want off the meds but why don't you try to ween(sp) yourself off of them. i have read some side effects on taking yourself off. i knew a friend that broke the capsules in half and would cut herself down like thta. be careful in doing this on your own.

At January 19, 2007 1:30 PM, Blogger Heather said...

Thanks for the advice. If you go back and re-read my recent couple posts, you'll see that I have been slowly weaning myself for a couple months now. It's definitely the way to go, as opposed to stopping abruptly.


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