Tuesday, October 31, 2006

seven years ago

I started writing this earlier in the day and then had to stop for work. Now, it's well after midnight so this will say it was posted on October 31, but it was meant for October 30th. So let's just pretend that's what it says.

Seven years ago today I got married. It was a beautiful afternoon wedding in Cincinnati, followed by a soul-touching trip to New England, where we dipped our hands in Walden Pond, stood on a cliff over the coast of Maine, and saw New Hampshire’s Old Man of the Mountain before he fell. And then we moved to St. Louis and started our married life.

That first year in St. Louis was our first year of marriage, and despite my ex’s amazing sense of adventure about it all, I probably made it more difficult than I needed to. Until then, I thought I liked change, but as I learned during that period, I actually don’t always adjust well to different environments. I missed my hometown and my family. Also, I had not yet fully grasped a number of things about myself and I am sure that on some level I was already confused, despite my happiness about being with him.

My ex and I had four sweet, fun—and at times confusing and nerve-wracking—years of marriage before I faced a couple major realizations and we went our separate ways. Sometimes I can’t believe it’s already been seven years since we got married, but mostly I can’t believe it’s only been seven years. It feels like a thousand years ago, because I have had at least ten lifetimes since then.

My ex-husband and I are on good terms now and do touch base with each other from time to time. He is re-married and has a home in St. Louis. And he is happy. I don’t know if he feels the same way, but I am glad to have had those years with him. He’s an incredible person and is still part of who I am now.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

great game and a great movie

I'd give anything to have been in St. Louis last night. Not even necessarily at the game, just at a bar or a friend's house in the city. Close enough to hear the cheers and see the fireworks over Busch Stadium. I of course watched the game on tv down here. It was a good time, and lots of text messages were exchanged with some St. Louis friends when we won.


After the game, I watched Prairie Home Companion on DVD, which I never did get around to seeing in the theater. I loved it! If you never listen to the show on NPR, you might like it, but I think it largely appeals to the radio listeners. I say this only because the movie doesn't follow a traditional plot line and incorporates a lot of storytelling and non-sequiturs and is so much more character driven than most movies. Not everyone likes this approach, but the radio show is similar and the kind of people who like the radio show will appreciate these qualities in the movie. I could spend forever listening to Garrison Keillor tell stories. And listening to the music in the movie and on the show. Oh, and Kevin Kline stole the show as Guy Noir with the little hints of his character Otto from a Fish Called Wanda, only sweeter. Funny as hell.

I must buy the movie and the soundtrack!

I wish I had more time to write about the movie and why it touched me the way it did, which goes way beyond the movie or the radio show. But as always, I have to get ready for work. If I have the energy when I get home, I'll write more. But it might have to wait until tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

florida without the heat and humidity is definitely tolerable

I'm home, some of my work clothes are in the washer, the dogs are sleeping at my feet, and I finally have some time for my blog.

Let's see. Well, the Cards are up 2-1 in the World Series, with game four tonight in St. Louis. That's pretty exciting, though I had to work last night and missed all but the last couple innings of that game.

The Rams had a bye, so I expect them to be in top form for the Chargers this Sunday. The Bengals won, but not by much. Still, it's a W on their record.

So anyway, let's back up. Saturday was an interesting day at work. As I've mentioned here, I've been transferred to a different and very very VERY busy store. This is good for professional reasons, but the store itself has a lot of issues that need to be dealt with. Lots of bad habits and substandard work ethics from a lot of the staff there, largely I guess because many of the baristas there are so young. I had had a long, not very successful week trying to pinpoint ways to deal with these issues there as a supervisor and also trying to position myself as someone with some authority, which isn't always easy when trying to also make some changes. I worked until 2 am Friday night and had to be back at 9:30 Saturday morning, by which time I was dragging and my spirits were on the ground. I felt defeated and like maybe I was being overly critical of this other store and maybe I was the one who needed to re-examine my own habits, etc. People there aren't warming up easily to the things I want to change, nor are some of them respecting my ability to run shifts. (This is not the case with everyone; some people there are awesome and I am so excited to be working with them.) After an hour on the clock Saturday, two baristas from my old store came in and were apparently covering shifts for people, which I didn't know. I was delighted to see them! They both immediately clocked in and enthusiastically said, "What do you need us to do?" They were awesome and made my work day. I had two members of my original team at this new store, if only for a day, and they both noticed the same problems there that I did and were both equally helpful in trying to improve things, even if they aren't there permanently. It made me so happy. And it reassured me that I am not being overly critical and that I am good in positions of authority and that, essentially, I'm not the one with the problem in this case. I was right! But of course, this only means that I have a long road of trying to fix things there.

After work, I went to a party at my friend Becca's house, which was--as expected--lots of fun. Becca is awesome. One of the first friends I made after moving down here, and she has been so sweet about getting me out there, introducing me to people, giving me a place to belong, and helping me enjoy my time here. I've met so many wonderful people through her, and I can't imagine how crappy things would be if none of that had happened.

One thing about Becca is that she likes to have people at her place. She likes to give people a place to be. And she throws some kick-ass parties. This most recent one was no exception. It included a totally insane game of truth or dare, a roomfull of lesbians, one gay man, a straight boy who's birthday we were celebrating, and the birthday boy's straight friend who none of us knew prior to the party, and who will likely never be the same after spending several hours with the likes of us. I'm pretty sure we totally corrupted a sweet innocent 22-year-old guy who had no idea when he arrived what he was about to walk into. I think I saw his ears cry during truth or dare.

Only one person actually left Becca's Saturday night. The rest of us either passed out or fell asleep; we were scattered around her townhouse. It was a good time and was fairly harmless. Also, I was one who slept, not passed out because I didn't drink so much, so I felt great the next day. Success!

Sunday was football day, even without a Rams game. I actually spent all day--from the time I got home from Becca's around 11 am until after game 2 of the world series late that night on the sofa in my pjs. I was so lazy, but it was wonderful and relaxing, and after the week I'd had at work, I deserved it.

Well, I did spend some time emailing Angela back and forth about poetry versus prose and the complexity of the short story form. And T.S. Eliot. And about cute little birds who wander into places where they aren't expected--like this one who joined my mom, sister, and me at a cafe in Florence, Italy:
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

How cute is that?

I opened Monday, which meant getting up in the middle of the night to go to work---and of course that's only a partial joke. Work was great and so was the nap I took when I came home. Monday night was all about one thing of course: Monday Night Football. Went back to Becca's to watch, but this time there was no truth or dare. Just a good time watching the Cowboys lose.

The weather here is fabulous (words I never thought would come from me), and yesterday was the best yet. As I said, to me it feels like early fall up north. Long sleeves, but a jacket would be too much. Floridians, however, aren't handling it well. We were swamped at work last night, with people in several layers of sweaters and jackets rushing in for hot chocolate and coffee. I actually heard someone's teeth chatter. It's amusing to witness this. It has also put me in a much better mood, but I know this weather won't last so I am trying to be outside as much as I can while it does last.

I'm off today. I plan to post this, run some errands, get some coffee, and then later on come back with another post. I've been so social lately, which isn't like me. It's been fun, but I crave some solitude and time with the book I'm reading as well as time with my own words. Maybe I'll talk more about that poetry vs. prose stuff. And I'll definitely get cracking on that top 100 books list. Still haven't finished it, but getting closer. Sort of. And it's been weeks since I touched the story I'm working on. It still needs a ton of work, but I definitely work best in revision so I feel positive about it, though there is so much work left to do. In a way, maybe unconsciously, I'm afraid to finish it because then I'll have to make a choice: put it away and forget about it or send it out and try to get it published. The latter of course is the better choice and the goal I'm working towards, but then that means dealing with rejection, which is scary.

Now, I'm going to take the dogs outside to play.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

friends, weather, and what else? coffee

All my friends here are so sweet. I am lucky.

However, it is because of these sweet fun friends of mine that I have been a bad blogger again this week. They are so much fun that I haven't been home much and have become negligent towards the blogging I so love. I was at a party saturday night that lasted until the next day. And last night we watched monday night football, and I only just now came home (it's 12:30 on Tuesday). And in between this, I have been working.

And now, of course, I must get ready for work again. But I will return after the Cardinals game tonight to write more about the past few days in the life of me.

One more thing for now: today is by far the most beautiful day since I moved here. Cool, clean, non-humid air, a breeze. It feels like a mid-september day up in St. Louis. I keep seeing people here in long sleeves today, and it's cracking me up, because it's only cold to Floridians. This would be perfect camping weather, if I hadn't left all my camping stuff in storage in St. Louis.

Friday, October 20, 2006

thursday night at the moon

I have been working off and on today on my top 100 book list, but it's not ready to post just yet. It might take a while, because first I have to narrow the list to a hundred, and then of course I have to rank them. Ranking them will take the longest, I think. The top five are not a problem for me, but it's the rest that might cause some internal dispute.

Otherwise, I've spent the day doing laundry, hanging with Murphy, emailing people, and reading. I don't work until 6:15, so it's almost like having a day off. Well, except for the part about how I have to work until 2am and then be back at work at 9:30am tomorrow. But that's ok.

As I put in an email to Angela very early this morning, or extremely late last night--however you want to consider 4am--last night was broken up into several chunks, and all were fun for their own reasons:

1. I worked until 8:15. When my shift ended, I changed clothes at work and did my best to cover up the steamed milk/coffee smell, which while nice when you're ordering a latte, isn't exactly how I like to smell when I go out with friends.

2. Left work and went directly to meet up with one of my friends at the house of one of her friends, where we theoretically had game night, but instead sat around with beer and talked and laughed. Most of us there currently or at some point have worked with kids or in some incarnation of the education field, so we compared horror stories, which is always a riot. Other than my friend, I had never met any of these people, and felt weird going to a stranger's house, but it was all cool. Everyone was awesome. And by the way, this house was huge. On my way in, I actually had to stop at a gatehouse, where a guard asked me whose home I was going to, wanted to see my ID, and called the guy's house to confirm before he'd let me in. This was a new and bizarre experience for me.

3. Suddenly after a couple hours, my friend and I decided to leave and go to New Moon, the bar in Lauderdale. We followed each other there, and then she went to her friends, and I went to mine (strange when two people who don't really have mutual friends hang out and then suddenly return to their respective posses). Well, that's not exactly how it happened. First I stood in front of the tv on the patio for a long time and watched the rest of the Cardinals game, surrounded by lesbians who are transplants from New York and who weren't too thrilled with my cheering when the Cards beat the Mets. Then, I went in and found some of my buds, who were already ass-deep in karaoke, which is the Thursday night ritual for most of them, though I'm just a spectator in this event. There are already lots of videos and pics floating around the internet of a couple performances, so some of you may have already seen them. I did not sing, but rather took some of the pictures, so thankfully, I'm not documented at all. This is a good thing.

4. Spent several hours with them and the bar was quieting down as the night came close to being over. Then, the friend I started the night with found me again, but this time she was pretty drunk. So I left the bar to make sure she got home safely. Once back at her place, we went in and she wordlessly went into the kitchen to heat up soup she'd made earlier. It was actually some kick-ass soup, some of the best I've had recently. And I hear she's a fabulous cook, though I don't really know as she still hasn't made anything for me, other than this soup! ;) Then, half-way through her bowl of soup, she passed out, which I knew was coming at any moment. She was safe, her dogs were happy she was there, so I headed home.

5. I arrived home at 3:45am. My drive home included a stop for gas and water. And lots of fabulous music from my ipod, which was lost for months and has recently resurfaced under a bunch of crap in my car.

6. Was too wired to sleep for a long time after I got home, so I sent out some email and uploaded some pics I took at the bar. Eventually, I went to sleep.

Fun night. And I managed to not get drunk. Had enough beer to completely relax and feel very happy, and then I left it at that. Or maybe it was laughing and watching people do karaoke that made me happy. Or maybe it was the Cardinals' victory. Or sitting back at times last night and taking in what fabulous friends I've made since moving here.

Time to take a shower and get ready for work...

this time we win

I'm only a mild baseball fan, I'll admit. But after living in St. Louis for so long, I've come to terms with the fact that it's hard to not be a Cards fan and a baseball fan. So the past few years I've become a better fan. But I will also admit that I only pay much attention on opening day and during the 2nd half of the season. There are just too many damn games in a season and if I try to give a damn for all of it, I get baseball ADD and lose interest. Plus, my loyalties are split between the Cards and the Reds, and that's a hard line to walk as a spectator.

I digress. All I really wanted to say was this:


Thursday, October 19, 2006

can't seem to stop sleeping this week

Again, I can only write a pseudo-post with the plan to finish it later, since I have to leave for work in a few minutes. I've been incredibly sleepy lately, and it's prevented me from doing all sorts of stuff. Yesterday, I had to open the store, which meant getting there at 5:30 am. I do this a lot and have gotten used to it--even like it--so this wouldn't have been an issue had Murphy not thrown a temper tantrum in the middle of the night and insisted I take him out for a walk at 2:15 am. Turns out he really had to go, so I'm glad I didn't ignore him. But the good thing about that shift is that I get out of work when most people are just finishing their lunch breaks, so it's like I have a whole second day ahead of me. What did I do with it yesterday? I came home and slept until 6:30 pm. I was completely out for hours. Then I went back to bed after the Cardinals game last night (I knew it would go to game 7; they will win tonight) and then slept today until about 30 minutes ago. That's a lot of sleep, especially for me.

Anyway, this means I didn't have time to do here what I wanted to do today, which is start a list of my top 100 books. My friend
Angela sort of challenged me to this task in an email, and for book nerds like us, this is not a challenge to turn down.

But it will have to wait until tomorrow, when I don't have to be at work til 6 pm.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

a juvenile, cranky rant to my annoying anonymous reader who seems to think s/he knows something

I wonder why you continue to read my blog, since you have problems with everything I write.

I am not going to continue to defend what I write here to some stranger who takes issue with me. If you disagree, stop reading. Or at least stop leaving pissy remarks---I am not ashamed of what I write or how I feel and none of your comments are going to change that. Further, as I have said SO MANY times before, send me an email if you have such problems that you absolutely must put them out there to me. Though, of course I think you get a thrill from leaving public comments and also because if you send email, it's not so easy to remain anonymous--and that's what you hide behind. That's stupid and cowardly.

You don't know me, yet you are the one who makes constant generalizations about me based on what I blog about. Believe me, there is so much I don't write here. I don't owe you or anyone anything in my blogging. It's an online journal for me, where I ramble and vent and can say whatever I want. It's not a place where I am required to be fair, pleasant, entertaining, happy, or whatever else you seem to expect from me.

I am going to completely stop approving your comments, even if they seem innocuous. I'm going to do this simply because I can and I think that will annoy you, and that seems fun, because you annoy me.

Pretty mature of me, isn't it?

And by the way, for future reference, do NOT tell someone with depression to "just relax." It's like telling someone with diabetes to just get over it. You clearly know nothing about depression and are totally insensitive to it. If it was as easy of "just relax" and "have a beer on the beach" or whatever you suggested, don't you think I'd have done that already?

As I was saying...

My new store (which is only new to me) is just around the corner from a small christian university here in West Palm Beach. Because of this, many of our customers are students and faculty, which would be fine, but they aren't your typical college crowd. They all look an awful lot like the cast of the movie Saved. They are all white, squeaky clean, from wealthy republican families, and have probably never worked a day in their lives. They are smug about toting their bibles around with them, tucked under their arms as they order their soy chai lattes and sport new, expensive, trendy clothes. And they all have this "Whoever loves Jesus most wins!" attitude which nauseates me. They act like they are "good" and "moral" but all they do is pat themselves on the back for being so righteous and able to quote any bible passage, though they are full of total sanctimonious crap which fuels the disgusting right-wing mindset of our culture right now. These people praise themselves and each other for being christian, yet they close their eyes to real problems in the world and propagate hate, prejudice, homophobia, ignorance, racism, everything bad. They shelter themselves from reality, a world where people starve, where people don't have homes and new clothes, where not everyone gives a crap about how many bibles these people own. It's all pretense which gives them a false sense of morality. The only time they "help" people in adverse situations or in marginal communities, like when they do missionary work, is only with an agenda to "save" them, to sell their religion to them; it's never just to help for the sake of helping another human. They treat faith like currency, as they use it to move up in their little society, without ever stopping to question what they preach, to think for themselves, to stop being sheep.

Yeah, sure I'm making some generalizations here, but they are largely accurate.

They represent a faction in our country I can't stand, and it makes me a little crazy that I have to deal with them on a daily basis right now. On the other hand, I sure do get a kick out of knowing that I pretty much represent everything that scares the shit out of them. To them, I am probably the antichrist: a divorced atheist, feminist, ultra-liberal lesbian. Wonder if they'd still drink their coffee knowing who made it.

Yesterday, one of them tried to "save" a co-worker, who politely smiled and kept working. After these people left, my co-worker said, "Damn, I knew it would happen eventually. My worst nightmare in this store." I thought it was funny that he got cornered by a couple of them, though I probably wouldn't have been laughing if they'd tried it with me, which I am sure will happen eventually. I will behave myself when this happens, but I'm not going to pretend to have any respect for their world. They of course have a right to their beliefs, but their beliefs and the way they peddle them are damaging to the rest of the planet. They wouldn't tolerate me walking up to them and preaching about feminism, so why do they assume they have that right to preach unsolicited about their beliefs?

Monday, October 16, 2006

blog preview because I don't have time for a real one just now

I'm about to go have lunch with my sister and mom, but I'm dying to write a blog update about this place, it's ultra close proximity to the starbucks I've been transferred to, and why this annoys the hell out of me. But that blog update will have to wait a few hours until I get home. In the meantime, see if you can guess what I'm going to say about it all!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Walk the Line

Wow, I just watched Walk the Line. Holy crap that's a great movie! For some reason, I never got around to seeing it in the theaters, and then after the Oscars I still never got around to seeing it. But it's incredible, and anyone who hasn't seen it yet should. Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon are so good. So are the writing and all the technical aspects...the cinematography, editing, costumes, etc. Much better than your average biopic.

Of course, I cried at the end. But I cry at the end of a lot of movies. I'm a little ridiculous about that, actually.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

shaggy hair and geography

I'm so tired right now and I have lots of things I need to do, but my next day off isn't until Tuesday. I need to get my car's oil changed. I really need a haircut. And I'd like to sit around and read for a while. But I've been transferred to a VERY busy store, and the past week and upcoming couple weeks are all about making this transfer, which is a good thing in the long run, but I've been busy as hell because of it. Always glad for this, but still I look forward to this transition being over so I can have my down time back to myself.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I'm a little confused these days as to where to go next in life--geographically speaking. I planned to move to England next, which I still want to do. It's something I've always wanted. However, I suddenly am not sure that's the right choice right now. I'm also interested in New England (love it there and have always wanted to live there), as well as southeastern Canada. However, I can't figure out if I'm thinking this because either of those options would mean less wait and prep time, which means getting the hell out of florida sooner than if I go to England. The England plan will require me to stay here even longer, as there are so many more logistics to deal with and because it requires more money for the actual move. But I am unhappy in this part of the country, and I don't know if I can deal with living here any longer than absolutely necessary.

Is this a good enough reason for changing the England plans to something else? Or is that a cop-out? I know I want to live in these other places...always have. But I don't know which move would be best to pursue first.

All I know for sure is that I need a haircut, and I need to get it before I go to work tomorrow afternoon. I woke up the other day and somehow, overnight, my hair had grown that tiny amount which makes it way too long. It always works that way. One day it's fine, and the next day, that tiny extra length changes everything. It's out of control now and I feel like Snuffleupagus...too much crazy, hair.

By the way, how funny is it that Snuffy has his own Wikipedia page?! I love Sesame Street! According to the Wikipedia, Snuffy's grandmother lives in Cincinnati! I had no idea. Wonder why I never met her while I was growing up there...

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

National Coming Out Day

Today is National Coming Out Day. Obviously, the hope is that gay people who are in the closet will stop being afraid and will come out. But for people who are already out and for straight allies, it's a good opportunity to show pride and support for the LGBT community.

This is the website for the Human Rights Campaign.

This is the HRC's page about coming out.

This is the HRC's page of resources for straight allies (straight people who want to be supportive of the gay community).

Sunday, October 08, 2006

meltdown in the bath towels

Despite my plans, I took a break from football today and spent some time with my mom. We hadn't had a day together in some time, so it was nice to get out and keep each other company. We went out to lunch, a few stores and then to get some coffee. All day, though, I could feel a sad mood approaching, but I didn't want mom to know since she gets so worried whenever depression sets in for me. So I covered it up well and tried to have fun. For the most part, I did have fun. Until we went into Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

Something about being in a place that's all about domesticity--however unrealistic some of their products and prices can be--along with the fact that Fall always makes me feel more like nesting than any other time of year, plus the fact that it's my favorite season and I hate not getting to experience Fall down in Florida this year...all these things layered on top of my already declining mood and led to a minor meltdown. We were walking the aisles of Bed, Bath, and Beyond (BB&B from now on) and I couldn't stop thinking about how sad I am that I don't have my own home (apartment, whatever) right now, a place that's all mine to do whatever I want with. I was surrounded by people getting fun autumn decorations and indulging in the time of year I live for. I also automatically thought of some other things that are too depressing to mention here.

Suddenly, the tears came and wouldn't stop. I didn't want my mom to see, simply because she's seen me cry so much since I moved down here, and I hate to worry her more than necessary. And naturally, I didn't want any strangers to see, just because that's never comfortable. So without saying anything, I made a dash for the towel section, which was in a corner where nobody else was shopping. I stood hidden behind a towering display of pretty blue and white towels and tried frantically to stop the tears and to wipe their traces off my face and eyes. And no, I wasn't using the towels for this; I had a tissue in my pocket. But of course, the harder I tried to stop, the faster they came. It was ridiculous. Finally after a few minutes, I sort of pulled it together enough to catch up with mom, who thought I was just looking at towels. But, being a mom, as soon as she saw me, she knew and tried to cheer me up by reminding me that life won't always be like this for me and that I'm working hard to move on to something better, and all the things I know but don't always believe.

Still, it didn't help. The more she comforted me, the faster and harder the tears resurfaced. I turned around and went back to the corner in the towels section, where I tried to pull it together in some semblance of privacy. But BB&B was crowded today, and it was hard to get away from everyone. Just as I almost had my shit together and was nearly ready to catch up with mom again, a sales lady came into my corner and asked if I needed help with anything. Since I was blowing my nose and trying to wipe away tears that were still coming, it was surely obvious to her that I wasn't back there trying to find a new set of towels for my bathroom. So. Did she walk away and leave me alone? No. She asked, "Can I help you find anything?" I sniffled and muttered, "No, thank you." And yet she remained with a weird smile on her face and said, "Are you looking for anything specific?"

I mean, really. What was she expecting me to say? "Yeah, I'm looking for a life. A place to live that I can afford while I try to save enough money to move to a different city sometime in the next six months. Closure on past relationships. The ability to forgive--others and myself. To let go of regrets. To stop dwelling on certain things I cannot control. To come to terms with my own shortcomings. Oh, and I wouldn't mind a few decent dates with someone, perhaps even a real girlfriend someday. Do you sell these things at BB&B? Can you help me find them? Oh, and do you have this towel in a pale green color?"

Instead, I walked away and found mom, who I'm sure didn't know what to think or do at this point. By now, trying to make my eyes look like I hadn't just been standing in the towels crying was pointless. So I put on my sunglasses. But everwhere I went there were people, and I felt weird and crowded and almost claustrophobic. People were everywhere. Shopping carts on my heels. Clusters of women searching for the perfect drapes. I stopped and before I even thought about what I was saying, this is what erupted loudly from my mouth: "Jesus! Can't anyone walk around a store crying without people getting in her way??!!"

As I said this, I could hear how ridiculous my outburst sounded and I started laughing. Mom cracked up. Then, I got the giggles and couldn't stop laughing. So at this point, I was wearing sunglasses in the middle of BB&B, my face was blotchy and wet, and I was giggling like a lunatic.

This, my friends, is why I take anti-depressants.

Still, it really was pretty funny.

Unexpectedly saying something a little insane and getting to laugh at myself for it didn't totally alleviate my weird mood, but it did lighten things up a bit and forced me to step outside myself for a second, which always helps me see that things aren't as bad as they seem. Or maybe they are that bad, but that's ok. Perfection is boring and usually fake.

I'm hanging on to a decent mood for dear life tonight. Hopefully, it'll last long enough for me to sleep, go for my run in the morning and then get to work, where I'll be too distracted to worry about any of this. By the time work's over, I'll be fine again and any potential sadness will have passed completely.

In the meantime, I had a very nice day with my mom. Also, the Rams won. I got another raise at work. My voice is completely healed and my cold is gone.

Saturday, October 07, 2006


My blog has been overdue for an update for a couple days now, but not because I haven't had time or have forgotten. I honestly can't think of anything to say here. It's the weirdest thing. It's blogger's block! I always have something to say, even when nothing out of the ordinary is happening, but for some reason I can't think of a single damned thing to say here.

I could talk about work, but I do that a lot and I get a little tired of writing about it here all the time. However, I understand why that is. My dating life is nonexistent, while the rest of my social life is only sporadically interesting, depending on my mood, since when I have a spell of depression I usually stay at home and avoid people. When I do go out, I have a great time with the various friends I've made down here. And most days, at some point regardless of anything else I do, I sit right here at this desk and write, but I write things I'm not going to post here on my blog. However, most of my life is consumed by work, which is a choice I've made. It's a coping mechanism, and I need my life to be this way for a while so I don't dwell on certain other things I'm unsatisfied with and can't necessarily control.

So anyway, that's why I write about work here a lot....simply because it's what I do with most of my time.

The problem is that I don't want to write about work tonight. But like I said, I can't think of anything else to blog about. How sad is that?!

Well, nothing terribly interesting.

I think my cold is finally gone after lingering for a week. I'm no longer chugging the DayQuil and my voice is pretty much back to normal, though for a few days it was totally zapped. All I could do was whisper and croak. But as it slowly returns to normal, it has that low raspy sound, which means I could almost sing along when Janis Joplin was on the stereo at work. It was great, though I'm not sure the customers agree.

Tomorrow is football day. Bengals have a bye week, and the Rams play the Packers in Green Bay. But I think I'm going to stay home to watch the games. The bar I've been going to is so much fun, but it's in Ft. Lauderdale, which is about a 30-35 minutes drive for me. I worked a 10-hour day today, and tomorrow is my last day off for over a week. So I sorta feel like lying around at home in my pjs to watch the games tomorrow. Maybe I'll crank up the a/c and bundle up in a sweater and blankets and pretend I still live up north, where Fall's cool weather has arrived.

At some point, either before or after the Rams play tomorrow, I'm going to go running. I used to run a lot, but not lately. I love running. It's a great way to exercise. It's been a while for me, so I suspect I won't get very far tomorrow. But I want to start running regularly again and I have to start somewhere, even if I can only go a mile at first. So I'll push myself as much as I can this first trip out. And I'll push myself a little further every time. It means I'll probably be too sore to move every morning when I wake up, but I'll get over that.

Oh, one last thing. The other day, I watched the movie Closer, with Julia Roberts and Natalie Portman. Holy crap, what a depressing, painful movie. I honestly don't know if I've ever sat through a more uncomfortable, pain- and anxiety-inducing movie ever. You know that feeling right when someone you really love is breaking up with you? That moment when the realization hits, especially if it's happening when there is another person involved? (Ok, if you don't know this feeling, consider yourself lucky; it's indescribably hideous.) Watching this movie is like re-living that feeling for two hours. And then being stuck with the memory of it for the rest of the day. It's horrible. Plus, each and every character in it is just despicable. I will say that the acting was fabulous, which is part of why the emotions struck me so hard, why I could feel the pain which was tangible in their faces and in their dialogue. Well made movie, but horrible to watch. The only thing I liked was the beautiful Damien Rice music on the soundtrack.

Well, I'm thirsty and Murphy needs to go out, so I'm going to go find some juice and walk Murphy. I'll blog more tomorrow night.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

family values?

Since I live in West Palm Beach and since I love when Republicans screw up, I suppose it's expected that I say something about the former Rep. Mark Foley debacle. I haven't said anything yet because, frankly, I don't think it needs much comment. It's all so pathetic that it's crossed over into humorous (except that there's nothing funny about pedophilia). Foley himself is what's humorous. What an idiot.

But just for kicks, here's his most recent list of reasons he sent inappropriate messages to those boys (expect this list to grow, as Foley and his lawyer add a new pathetic reason every day):

1. He's an alcoholic. Last I heard, alcoholism doesn't actually turn one into a pedophile, but I guess if using this excuse helps him cure his alcoholism, that's one problem solved.

2. He was molested as a child by members of the clergy. I am NOT one to defend clergy, especially of the catholic variety, but I'm just not sure I believe old Mark here. Regardless, this still does not justify his own pedophilia.

3. He's gay. What a loser! Now he's trying to get the gay community to rally behind him for sympathy. That's just what we need...someone else falsely claiming that being gay leads to pedophilia. Yes, thanks for that boost, you republican, focus-on-the-family asshole. He might really be gay, but he might just be using it as a pathetic excuse. Either way, don't try to get the gay community's support here. You know, the group of people he's systematically screwed over with his twisted, hateful conservative agenda and republican legislation.

I wonder what excuse he'll offer next for why he had to go ruin the well-being of several minors.

Asshole. I hope he goes to jail.

Monday, October 02, 2006

library thing!

A new friend, Angela, told me about the coolest website for book lovers. It's called Library Thing, and you can create your own profile and enter the titles from your entire personal library of books (or I suppose the books you've read, even if you checked them out from the library instead of buying them). I just started my profile and catalog yesterday, so I've only entered a fraction of my books, but it's been interesting to read profiles and book lists of other members. I fear this could be a new internet addiction.

It's kind of paradise for book freaks like me!